Typically when someone says they don’t want to have an argument or a debate, sending them your opinion in an attempt to get one back is not what they are asking you to do.
my dad always used to refer to my mum as “the most beautiful woman in the world” and i always thought that was kind of dumb, because i could look at my mum and know for sure that she was not the most beautiful woman in the world, not even by far and i always thought that my dad was just saying that to be nice.
and then one day i met the most beautiful woman in the world.
PERIODS BLOOD UTERUS VAGINAS ASSES BOOBS ONE BOOB BIGGER THAN THE OTHER NIPPLES HURTING WAXING LEGS WAXING VAGINAS BRAZILIAN FUCKING WAXES GETTING YOUR ASSHOLE WAXED WAXING ARMPITS WAXING TOP LIPS WAXING EYEBROWS DRAWING IN YOUR EYEBROWS TATTOOING YOUR EYEBROWS ON PLUCKING YOUR EYEBROWS HAIR DYE HAIR CUTS SPLIT ENDS HAIRDRYERS EXPLODING HAIR STRAIGHTENERS HAIR CURLERS HAIR WAVERS SHOES HEELS WEDGES FLATS CONVERSE DOC MARTENS BOYS BOYS TELLING YOU YOURE TOO FAT BOYS TELLING YOU YOURE DUMB BOYS TELLING YOU YOURE WORTHLESS AND UGLY AND VILE AND DISGUSTING WITHOUT MAKEUP FUCKING EYELINER AND MASCARA AND FOUNDATION AND CONCEALER AND POWDER AND PERFUME AND LIPSTICK AND LIPGLOSS AND LIP BALM AND BEING TOO TALL BEING TOO SMALL BEING TOO SKINNY BEING TOO FAT NOT LOOKING LIKE THE GIRL IN THE MAGAZINE NOT LOOKING LIKE THAT ACTRESS NOT LOOKING LIKE THAT MODEL PURGING ANOREXIA BULIMIA ALL BECAUSE DOUCHE BAGS LIKE YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH FUCKING GIRL PROBLEMS
TRIGGER WARNING??? GROW SOME BALLS YOUR MOTHER DEALS WITH THIS YOUR SISTER DEALS WITH THIS YOUR AUNTIE YOUR COUSIN YOUR FRIEND YOUR NEIGHBOUR THE FUCKING QUEEN DEALS WITH ALL THIS SHIT BECAUSE BOYS ARE SO SO SO DUMB AND SUCH ASSHOLES WHEN IT COMES TO THIS
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
women are considered fragile but I’ve never seen anything as easily wounded as a man’s ego